In any memoir writing journey, we inevitably face the question: should we write about painful experiences from our past? The box of painful experiences is as varied as our life stories. Still, one thing we all have in common is that we all face difficult experiences sooner or later in life.
Deciding whether to pour out those emotions on paper can lead to a standstill in our memoir-writing journey. It is like hitting a wall; we usually end up overthinking it or remain stuck and unsure of how to approach this vital aspect of memoir writing. Skip it altogether? Move on to the next chapter? Scribble something down and revert to it later? All sounds too familiar.
Writing a “How To” guide about engaging with difficult emotions and past experiences in a single blog post is an impossible thing to do, due to vast complexity of our diverse pasts and emotions. “Start small!” is the sentence that every writer knows very well and is the best advice one can ever provide. I am starting small with this blog post, intending to unpack how we can approach this daunting decision-making process of writing or keeping our internal struggles to ourselves. I am going to share with you here the challenges and the benefits of writing about difficult memories.
You are the master of your narrative
The great thing about memoir writing is that we have the complete freedom to write about things and life stories we care about. A memoir project is a highly personalised exercise that can be modelled how we find it fit. The knee-jerk reaction when we think about writing a memoir is the impulse to think of the good stuff that happened in life. Therefore, unsurprisingly, many private memoirs talk a lot about accomplishments such as promotions at work, running a successful business, and sharing personal triumphs like having grandchildren or buying a new house. I enjoy writing these stories as they can be very engaging and leave a positive legacy for future generations.
In memoir writing, we also have the freedom to exclude or limit discussions on experiences that evoke negative emotions, whether recent or long past. You should not be forced or feel pressured to write about something that you find too difficult.
Facing our fears
The biggest fear when writing about our challenging past is the idea or this preconception about our vulnerability going public. By talking about these experiences publicly, we are exposing ourselves in a manner that, up until that point, was kept at a profoundly personal level. Once we enter this territory, there is a fear of judgment and how those who would read the memoir, whether friends, family or the wider public, could react. This sense of uncertainty and uneasiness can increase if we tackle experiences considered controversial in certain cultures.
On a personal level, confronting the past through writing can be terrifying as we willingly dig up memories and allow some of the pain to resurface. This can become a difficult exercise, and we need to be able to cope with the effects of facing these memories again. Any time we bring painful memories back, we risk reliving traumatic experiences.
There are several considerations to prepare you to tackle writing about your past. You are the master of your writing and narrative and acknowledging that freedom is a great starting point. By revisiting these painful memories, you can better understand how far you can go. Your writing will indicate when to pause or re-evaluate how much to reveal from the story.
Another challenge that can affect the length and the level of detail you are willing to share is the ethical implications of exposing other people in your memoir. This is another topic that deserves an entire discussion, but disclosing personal information and writing about others who were somehow involved in your life story can impact their lives. Apart from the ethical dimension, it can also raise legal questions.
Reasons to unpack the past
For many, reflecting on negative episodes becomes a cathartic reason to start writing a memoir. Writing about our painful past offers profound healing and closure. If we approach the matter with sensitivity and interest for emotional exploration, it can be even a rewarding journey of self-discovery.
Addressing dark times means revisiting memories we may have buried or forgotten. That can be viewed as a journey into our soul as we approach these feelings with a new and fresh perspective. Writing about them might offer you new perspectives and understandings that maybe were not possible to have when we first experienced these difficult times.
One of the strongest reasons to write about hard times is the therapeutic potential it offers, especially when we are ready to confront painful memories. It allows us to resurface these memories, which also means an excellent opportunity for re-processing them under our terms. Another therapeutic benefit of this approach is the validation of these emotions by putting them on paper.
Writing about our lives, as we know, is not an overnight process, so it is a good thing to spend some time preparing and reflecting on these episodes. Unpacking them through writing can be rewarding and it can give us a sense of empowerment as we write. It is not uncommon to hear people say that by writing about their emotions, they’ve understood themselves better and realised that they’ve become more resilient, and their past negative experiences have been transformed into a source of strength.
The power of authenticity
Here I would like to also add another important angle for consideration which is an external element, and that is the reader’s perspective. In my previous blog post, I wrote about how many of our life journeys, whether good or bad, can be relatable to others. Even when we write about some difficult moments, and we rightly think that they are pretty unique to us, the language of emotions (sadness, grievance, anger etc.) is universal, and whoever is reading your memoir will be able to recognise and connect with those emotions. This brings us to a final point: authenticity. This is where the magic happens. Reading about your struggles and navigating through difficult times is a great way to forge a deeper bond and trust with your audience (big or small).
Weighing the Pros and Cons
The sense of uneasiness and self-doubt often comes when we are faced with the dilemma of whether to write about our difficult past. This is an entirely normal process; being unsure about it is part of the memoir-writing experience. Everyone’s life story is different, and there cannot be a uniform approach to dealing with this question. This blog post is informative in understanding the pros and the cons when suddenly you need to write that next chapter: whether that is about a divorce, unhappy childhood, financial problems, or deteriorating health – the list is endless. Digging up an old issue can lead to re-traumatisation and needs to be approached with sensitivity and some preparatory work. This can be achieved by creating a comfortable space for you to write or preparing to tackle these questions by working on some prompts that give you a sense of control and direction when unpacking these painful subjects.
Writing about these past experiences can transform your relationship with your past as you are given a unique chance to face difficult memories. It can provide a sense of closure and offer an excellent opportunity to create a meaningful bond with your readers.
Coffee mug filled, thoughts spilt,
Andreja
Loved reading Andreja’s piece? Why not buy him a coffee. It’s a great way to say cheers.
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